I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
my one true gender
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Sing it!
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.