When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Catercrombie & Fish
