*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Saw online –
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year