there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
