You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Rambo Rambow
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.