Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.