Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Happy weekend !
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
This classic never gets old . . .
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.