I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My teenage children choosing violence
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
meanwhile over on facebook
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*