Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.