[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$