More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.