My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Found the job I’m suited for
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.