Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃