Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
#oldknees
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
