What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
termite twitter scares me
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.