Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
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strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”