My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Well, my evening plans are ruined
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife