me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.