If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
in the ocean
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
