Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico đ€©
At least I can say I tried. I didnât try, but I can say I did.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
âYou said, and I quote, âMake me a bowl of food.ââ
âThis is why no one likes you, Jeff.â
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because youâre ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didnât say anything about staying in the exam room
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
If an astronaut goes really fast theyâre a fastronaut
I fixed it. For me
How does someone manage that đ€š
Iâve reached the part of my summer where Iâm excited that Iâll soon be able to stop checking my kidsâs heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.