Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.