the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?