Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower