JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃