Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
This week’s mood.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off