I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together