Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.