Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Why is this me 😫
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again