going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
