I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Ah yes. The three genders
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
