That’s not how days work.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Check out the legs on this baby
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Great game to play with friends
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
me adding lol on a serious message
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.