“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.