No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels