My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you