Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza
[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos