my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far
No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm
My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.
These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then please
Remorse?
I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.
Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?
Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?
Manager:
This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.