It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor