target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
◾️
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys