Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
A recipe for laughter
