If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
