guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Dietest Coke
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much