I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Nothing to do, you say?
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
How funny!
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Leaving the Barbers like
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.