Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
how high up are we talkin’?
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.