hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.