Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Dietest Coke
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.