ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
