Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Thrilling chase underway
