*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.