if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
“I wouldn’t.”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.