“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
awesome draft from months ago i just found
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to