Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Day 2 of my diet
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.