Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them