Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Miscakes
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Follow me for more life hacks.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.