I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.