The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂