Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
*swipes right on my hand mirror
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
(2022)
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.