me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening